A long long time ago I decided that being a bike rider was the coolest thing to be.
It wasn’t riding my own old rusty BMX bike through the backyard of our farm which made me enjoy riding. But it was seeing the pro’s riding when I fell in love and became mentally obsessed with it. It might have been pro’s, it might have been tourists. I’m not sure. But what I’m sure of is they all had those shiny bikes, tanned muscles, bright catchy kits moving fast and smooth through corners and over hills. It all got me started.
Started, not with training but with acting. Acting on the bike with friends like we were the real deal. Acting the ideal cyclist wasn’t easy. There was (and still is) a whole list of steps to take, making you not look like just any old hubbard but like a pro from television!
For me being infected with the European offset of the cycling virus back in the nineties the ten commandments for acting like the ideal cyclist should have been as followed:
*To start, put your bars lower than low. But for sure lower than your saddle aiming for the holy Michele Bartoli position.
*Second, because you dropped your bars probably way too low at step one, move your brake and (if your real cool) shift levers up again to look like Frank Vandenbroucke and make it possible to touch your bars. Forget about riding down on the drops, the bike has to look good.
*Third, wear white socks OVER your shoes like Micheal Boogerd. This covers your old worn-out shoes but also makes your legs look more tanned and your ankles skinnier like a climber! I wonder though why I thought dirty grey socks with holes everywhere still had the same effect?
*Fourth, train or at least ACT like you got the quads of Jan Ullrich.
*Fifth, put on as big as possible time trial bars on your normal race bike which make it look like you’re the pilot in the cockpit of your special, Miguel Indurain –Banesto, time trial bike! It doesn’t matter that your using the same bike with time trial bars and the next moment for acting like your climbing a mountain stage or La Redoute.
*Sixth, when climbing, or when riding an archway, when your from the north of Holland like me, wear your bandana like Marco Pantani. If you don’t have one just use a big old nose-rag folded pirate-wise. After all, you’re acting like “Il Pirata”.
*Seventh, get tanned like “The Black from Brakel” Peter van Petegem. Okay you’re probably not riding as much, or racing in sunny countries as the pro’s do but you have to keep up! The only solution is riding without leg warmers all year long, which can be challenging in Holland…
*Eight, shiny legs. It doesn’t matter if you got hair on your legs yet or not. Just shave it, its part of the job! After you’ve done this you need to oil the legs for every ride. It doesn’t matter you don’t have professional products. Just use cheap body milk or massage oil. I remember being jealous of a cyclist friend because he had massage oil which was way shinier than my bodymilk…
*Ninth. Spinergy 4-spoke wheels. Okay this one is for the upper-class of the coolest, but nothing tops those, limb chopping, carbon wheels used by Salvatore Commesso -SAECO
*Tenth but maybe most important. Without Sunnies, you’re not cool. Back in the days, if you had money, you had two options: The Mario Chipollini Briko-Lucifer or the Lance Armstrong Oakley M-frame. If you didn’t have the money it was simple. The bigger and more reflective the better.
Committing my life to these ten commandments, I became a on licence racing Junior, Espoir, Amateur and finally Pro. It has been a while and the heroes may have changed a bit. I won’t win the Tour the France and I won’t call myself a hero but it would be nice if I could, while riding my Giant bike with my Aussie tanned legs and DRAPAC kit, influence a little boy somewhere on the side of the road.
He might be the next Eddy Merckx,…
Floris Goesinnen
DRAPAC professional cycling team